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A 7 Minute Movie & Review

▶ 7 Minute Movie 


Here is that review of the movie Don Jon that opened September 2013 but that I just decided to watch and you may be able to guess why.

Okay, this 7 minute mini-movie is in no way entirely representative of the teenage male/masturbatory product written and directed by Joseph Gordon Levitt (Doing his best Pauly D Jersey Shore imitation) but I was struck by the fact that in between all of the porno clips that an actual story existed where the main characters weren't "just discovering" their sexuality which seems to be the Albatross that hangs around the figurative neck of virtually every lesbian movie I've seen lately. 

No wonder many straights are under the impression that we are always recruiting, considering all the movies with some 16 year old girl flowering into womanhood through the seduction of another girl.

So I am taking a break, because at least when I watch movies about heterosexuals, they are for the most part established with their sexual orientation (well except for the ones that aren't.)

In this movie Joseph Gordon Levitt is a bartender Ala lothario/playa in New Jersey who is re known for his sexual conquests earning him the name "Don Jon" (like Don Juan get it?) Here's the rub: No matter how many women Jon f*cks the experience doesn't come close to what he feels when he watches pornography.

One night at the club Jon (after being confronted by yet another one night stand,) sees Barbara Sugarman (played by Scarlett Johansson, who else) at the bar. 

Smitten Jon and his "boys" work to discover her identity and Jon asks Barbrara Sugarnan out. But Barbara has her own agenda and rules for Jon to measure up to and uses her skills effectively to whip Jon into becoming what she wants. Effectively played with a memorable Fran Drescher like accent Johansson is what Snooki Polizzi and JWow wished they could be.

I guess it's fair to say that I am old school.  My memorable times occurred in the 1980s and 1990s.  Back then, even though and it isn 't that long ago either, the lesbian world didn't seem so removed from the straight world. It wasn't unusual to have a woman  use her seductive wiles Ala Barbara Sugarman on you to get you to do whatever she wanted you to do and you didn't need to have a dick to become as turned on as Don Jon was. I don't know about you, but that scenario has happened to me twice and believe me it's exquisite but torturous.


Back in the Day as they say here wasn't all this clap trap about lesbians sleeping with men and more importantly lesbians weren't so goddamn whiny e.g.: "I never ask for donations, Some of us only hoped that Ellen Page is gay" blah, blah, blah blurp.

Today's lesbian seems so wishy washy. The closest that we've came to raw sexuality is in the movie Blue is the Warmest Color and even that was only mediocre. It was mediocre because there was too much panting and Lesbians aren't usually so noisy until..well you know ;oÞ

If real lesbians still fuck like that you wouldn't know it from the Sugar coated YouTube videos.

But back to Don Jon: So Barbara effectively uses her ass to convince Jon to take a college course, to meet his family and supposedly give up pornography because Sugarman wants a man on the corporate upswing and it  is in night school  where Jon meets the Julianne Moore character who I found completely annoying at first because I wanted to see more of Johansson who was playing her character to the fucking Maxx, yet Moore kept popping up.

Now remember Barbara Sugarman is completely against pornography and so even though Jon convinces her that he has given it up, Julianne Moore catches him watching porn of his mobile during class and at the next class she offers him a classic porn dvd to replace the crap he watches.

At first I found "Esther" (Moore's character)  annoying because she didn't seem to want to leave Jon alone despite his repeated requests and besides I was thoroughly getting into the Barbara Surgarman character like: when she confronts Jon one last time after checking the history on his laptop and seeing that he never really gave up pornography. I sadly bid her adieu.

This is where it begins to pick up with the interaction between Don Jon and Esther.  For some unknown reason Jon actually believed that the fucking in porn was real, despite never having such experiences in his own sex life. Can you believe that this character snuck out of bed with Scarlett Johansson (I don't care if it was her character, it was still Scarlett laying next to him) to watch porn and jerk off?

Esther is a widow who lost her husband and child, but we never discover how or even why she's attending night school despite still being pretty distraught over her loss. There wasn't much of  a back-story for her character and for that reason, for a split second I was afraid that she had killed her family. I don't know I guess I've watch too many horror movies starring Moore.

 This is why I felt I felt that Moore was miscast in the role, also since she was clearly designated to be the "Older" wiser woman and I would have loved to have see some interplay between the two woman, a juxtaposition of the two.

 All in all Don Jon is a movie that will be loved by teenage males who regularly wear their jeans around their ankles and for people (like me) who want to see anything Scarlett Johasson is in.  Kudos to Johansson for giving it that good ol' team spirit and I will even commend Moore's acting abilities for becoming likeable as the movie wore me down. Grade: C

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